Dear Sybersue,
My wife and I have been married for 15 years, and sadly, any form of intimacy has become non-existent in our relationship today. I am attracted to her, and we do love each other, but she is not interested in being intimate at all. We are both in our late 40s and we don’t have children. I have expressed concern about this issue many times, but she continually shrugs It off.
We used to have a great sex life, but that changed about five years ago. I’m now thinking of ending our marriage mainly due to this reason. It’s not very enjoyable living with someone who has a problem being intimate with you. There are no medical issues, so why would she be so disinterested and think this is okay?
Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much for your time, Daryl
Dear Daryl,
I completely understand your concerns because intimacy is a big part of a committed relationship. Both you and your partner should be making an effort to keep the fires burning at home. Sadly, you’re not alone in dealing with this issue, as it is one of the biggest questions I get asked from men and women regularly in my advice column.
How to Overcome Intimacy Challenges and Deepen Your Connection
- The first thing I would offer as a suggestion is to be diplomatic and gentle with how you communicate your intimacy concerns with your wife. Quite often, frustrated arguments can make your partner turn inward even more.
- I’m not sure how your wife reacts to affection, but I would advise you to slowly start increasing those moments when you’re outside your home. Many women, feel pressured to have sex when their partner initiates any form of affection when the bedroom is close by.
- Bring romance back into your relationship. Go for a walk and hold her hand, put your arm around her when you are sitting on the couch watching TV, buy her flowers for no reason, send her sweet texts when you’re at work, and kiss her hello and goodbye every day.
- Plan weekly dates where there are no pressures, and you can have each other’s full attention.
- Do not discuss sex with her until you can sense the closeness improving between you as a couple. She needs to build trust with you that everything isn’t based on sex.
- Take the time to compliment her regularly. Women like to know their partner is attracted to them.
- Make an effort to look nice for her daily.
The great thing about these points mentioned above is that they are all encouraging and showing her you love her, but they don’t have the pressure of sex to go with them. You may not be aware that your ongoing frustration comes out in an accusatory tone, which could push your wife away even more. How you deliver the message is very important.
Women like to know that you’re attracted to them outside the bedroom, and they appreciate that every time you kiss them or act affectionate, sexual expectations don’t always have to follow. You may also have a higher sex drive that doesn’t match her libido. After 15 years of being together with each other, some compromises have to be made. That is just a given in any relationship.
You mentioned that there were no medical issues, but some women start to go through perimenopause in their 40s, which can cause a lower sex drive due to the hormonal changes that their bodies will go through. This is something that she should check out because a doctor can help her regulate these hormones.
Couples counselling can help you both understand the importance of intimacy in sustaining a loving partnership
Since it has been 5 years that you and your wife have been dealing with this problem in your relationship, it would greatly benefit you both to see a couple’s counsellor. Intimacy is very important to sustain longevity in a partnership, and it is always worth investigating how things can be improved between you.
A counsellor can observe how you act together as a couple and will be able to notice things that could be causing a disconnect between you. It is always a great idea to have separate sessions as well, so the counselor can get to the root of the issue individually. This will allow you both to express your feelings without any pressure and help discover why you both feel intimacy has become non-existent within your relationship.
One of the biggest reasons for a lack of intimacy in a long-term commitment is the loss of attraction.
Quite often, complacency comes into a long-term partnership and takes over the sensual intimacy you were once able to easily reciprocate. Sex can also become repetitive and lose the sparkle you shared in the early years. Do you both make an effort to stay fit and look attractive for yourself and each other? Some couples think that it doesn’t matter and that you should love each other regardless. This is a mistake.
It is important to always make an effort to stay attractive to your partner. It’s not shallow, it’s how you met each other in the beginning. You were drawn to each other for many reasons, but people forget to implement this as the years go by in their relationship. You always want to be the best version of yourself.
Take responsibility in your relationship. You both need to be accountable for what is transpiring at present in your partnership.
Your wife needs to understand that it’s not acceptable to consistently abstain from being intimate with you. She must take the time to be honest about what has changed within your relationship to cause this disconnect. It is imperative for her to be transparently communicative with you. It is very difficult to fix a problem in a partnership if you’re not having some of those tougher conversations.
Daryl, you also have to take some accountability as to what may have transpired in the last five years between you and your wife. You don’t have children, so that’s not an issue as to why you don’t have time to be intimate. It could be a boredom scenario, and maybe as a couple, you need to spice up your lives with some new adventure, holiday plans and fun date nights.
It’s not uncommon for the spark to fizzle out after 15 years, due to living a routine, or regimented lifestyle. You both have to take some responsibility to help get your relationship back on track. It is possible to rekindle that spark, but there has to be a reciprocated effort to bring back the chemistry and excitement you once shared in your partnership. You both have to want it to work.
You are living in a companionship-style situation right now.
Living in this type of environment isn’t enough to nurture the relationship when you’re both still so young. You love your wife, so it is worth getting to the bottom of why intimacy has become insubstantial. It takes both of you to understand the dynamics of any changes taking place within your partnership.
It is worth putting in the energy to fix the problem and finding a way to compromise that works for both of you. The last thing your wife wants is to feel obligated to have sex with you. I’m sure that wouldn’t be enjoyable for you, either.
Women need romance.
They also need to feel appreciated and know that they are a priority outside the bedroom. It sounds as though things got lost along the way, but with a little perseverance and understanding, I think you could reignite the passion in your marriage.
There are often challenges that you just can’t fix by yourself. It’s okay to ask for help. A counsellor can offer both you and your wife, the necessary tools to help you deal with what isn’t working in your relationship. A sexless partnership can take a toll on your self-esteem and cause many insecurities, so it is crucial to try to resolve this.
At the very least, after doing the work, you will both know that you either want to make things work as a couple or go your separate ways. Sadly, sometimes we just become incompatible over numerous years together. Making every possible effort will give you comfort that you did all you could do, to salvage your partnership.
Thank you for writing, Daryl. Please watch the video below, and keep me posted on how things progress going forward.
Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤️
Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue – Don’t hesitate to get in touch with me @ dearsybersue@gmail.com and message me there to set up a video or audio appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!
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