How do you deal with being lonely in your partnership? Can the love be salvaged?
Dear Sybersue,
I have been married for 5 years. Things started very passionately between us! We had an intense sexual chemistry that we both shared equally. Unfortunately, we have never really had much in common besides lustful encounters in the bedroom, and now since things have slowed down in that department, I feel a big detachment from my husband.
I gave up many of my personal interests and friendships to spend time with my husband, and I deeply regret not having stronger boundaries in the early stages of our relationship. Our communication is almost non-existent so I don’t know how to begin changing this disconnect that we now have between us. Is it possible to fix this or is our relationship beyond repair?
Thank you so much for any advice you can share with me, I greatly appreciate it!
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,
Thank you so much for writing. It is one thing to feel lonely when you’re single but it takes an emotional toll when you feel lonely within a relationship on a daily basis. Since you gave up much of your independence when you first met your husband, it is causing you to feel more alone and lost in a non-communicative partnership without the support of friendships or other outlets.
Although your sexual connection was very powerful, that alone is not enough to sustain compatibility in other areas of your relationship. This is one of the reasons I stress the importance of having common interests outside the bedroom first in a new relationship. Many people make this mistake and prioritize sex over and above everything else.
If you don’t know how to communicate with each other as a couple, the connection breaks down because you have nothing else to talk about when intimacy decreases over the years. Having a solid companionship is extremely important. You have to like each other as well as love each other to have longevity in your partnership.
Understanding the impact of loneliness and emotional disconnect in relationships.
It is time to reassess what is going on here as there needs to be clarity in what you both want in a partnership moving forward. That said, you and your husband must have the desire to learn how to communicate effectively, so that you can reignite a healthy connection, as a couple. It must be on par with both of you making a reciprocated effort.
The important thing here Carolyn, is not to let things become stagnant. Don’t accept this behaviour as the norm, because it isn’t. You both need to own your part in what is, and what isn’t transpiring in your relationship. Why are you both emotionally shut down? Choosing to ignore the obvious loneliness that prevails, will just pull you further apart. It won’t go away without putting in the energy to rekindle the love between you.
I would advise that you seek couples counselling.
Since you both have trouble communicating with one another, it is an excellent idea to talk to someone professional about this ongoing issue. If your partner does not want to take part in couples therapy, then it is in your best interest to make the effort to go regardless. It is so important to find the tools that can help you understand the dynamics of what has changed in your relationship and the part you played as well.
Therapy can also help you discover what path you should take moving forward in your life. Do you both want the same things in your marriage and is your heart invested in doing everything in your power to rekindle the love between you? Is their heart also invested? You have to be on the same page to repair the collapsed environment that has occurred in your partnership for things to work.
Starting immediately, I would strongly suggest that you bring some independence back into your life and learn how to socialize again.
Get in touch with your old friends, (you will have to apologize for abandoning them 5 years ago) or if they have moved on, join a group to meet new people. Implement your past interests back into your weekly routine. Giving up a big part of who you are to be in a relationship, doesn’t usually end well and in your case, loneliness is the result of that choice.
The good thing is, that you are questioning things at the five-year mark of your relationship.
You understand there’s a problem and you’re willing to make changes to rectify the situation before any more time goes by. The most important question to ask your husband and yourself, is if you still love each other. If the answer is yes, you can still fix this.
It’s time to sit down and talk to your husband about these changes taking place between you. Many people avoid these conversations because they don’t always want to hear the answer. It is always better to know the truth than to live in a one-sided lonely partnership with someone who has checked out.
Common signs of loneliness in a relationship:
- Spending a lot of time by yourself most days.
- You feel like you’re living separate lives.
- The intimacy has slowed down or is non-existent.
- The communication is minimal with yes or no answers.
- You seldom socialize together or have any planned events on the calendar.
- Your evenings are spent watching TV or both on your phones.
- You go to bed at different times and may not even sleep in the same room as a couple.
Do not compromise too much of yourself to make someone else happy, or just to settle in a relationship.
Do not give up who you are to be with anyone. I have spoken to clients who admit to over-compromising themselves just to be in a relationship because they don’t want to be alone. It is so important to always stay connected to your friends, your interests and long-term goals. You always have to respect who you are first and foremost.
Having separate hobbies and friendships is healthy in a partnership. You want to stay authentic to who you are at the core. and trust me when I say that it makes you a much more interesting person to be around. It also brightens up your relationship because you continuously have things to share. The conversations don’t become stale because there’s always a new discussion to be had.
Love needs to be nurtured romantically but you will also have to have some difficult discussions every so often to keep your partnership environment on a healthy track. Don’t let things fester or sweep them under the rug hoping they will just go away on their own. One of the biggest reasons for the rise in divorce statistics today is due to the lack of communication.
People are busy and become apathetic about making their relationships the number 1 priority. This is a big error that happens way too often! Never take each other for granted, you are a partnership first above everything else. Don’t forget what brought you together at the beginning of your romance; always hold onto that and keep those fires burning.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side and it is always worth doing everything in your power as a couple to repair those difficult periods all relationships go through.
Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤️
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